Happy New Year 2013! I am starting this New Year off right, with excitement about the birth of possibility and a positive mindset about what is to come. As I do every year, I am making resolutions that I hope I will keep. I pray this year will be a blessed year, not only for me and my family and friends, but for everyone who reads this and those who don’t.
When I start contemplating New Year’s Resolutions, my mind usually slips toward the typical variety. Because I’m fat and out of shape, I think about eating better, exercising, and losing weight. Because I tend to generate clutter, I think about becoming neater and more organized in my home and life in general. Because I have financial issues and also feel I haven’t realized my potential yet, I think about trying to find a job with excellent pay and better benefits. Because I have dreamed of being an author, I think about finally writing a book and making the effort to get it published so I can give the first signed copy to my third grade teacher, Mrs. Ella Arvon, who is probably in her 70s now, still waiting. Because I have a problem with procrastination, I think about earnestly trying to get stuff done early (or at least on time) instead of always waiting until the last minute and stressing under the time crunch.
All these would make fine resolutions. Again. But (and I’m looking at YOU, weight loss), when I break them, it makes me feel like a failure. And I am resolved NOT to feel like a failure this year. Even if having to make resolutions in the first place implies that I’ve failed to keep something consistent in my life in the past, I am going to stay positive about them and spin them in a way that might make it easier to keep the resolutions all the year through instead of just until about March or so. Or February. Or tomorrow. So here they are (and I mean all of these with an understood LW attached. You who know me well know what that means):
1. I will get divorced this year. Yeah, seriously; it needs to happen. It is beyond time to go ahead and make it final and cut that particular piece of red tape out of my life. I’ve been separated over two years and without going into detail, there is NO chance it can or will work out. (I am NOT going to sling mud on here. Staying positive!) But anyway, it just needs to end. Period.
2. I will communicate meaningfully with someone every day, somehow. I’ve made resolutions like this one before, but I’m giving myself a broader spectrum of options to accomplish it this year. I aim to write someone a note or a letter every single day this year, whether it’s an actual letter or card I mail, stamp and all, or an email that someone can enjoy amongst the store ads, spam, and newsletters cluttering his or her inbox (or is that just me?). I guess I could also include chats or personal facebook wall posts (as opposed to the “send this to 10 people…” variety, which I tend not to participate in anyway). But bottom line is that communication is important so I resolve to communicate meaningfully with someone every day.
3. I will write something creative every day. This is different than the writing I spoke of above. I am a writer and this kind of does line up with the author resolution I described before I started declaring my “real” 2013 resolutions. I would love to actually write a book and make moves to get it published this year. It would be SO meaningful to give Mrs. Arvon the first signed copy of a book I wrote since she said those many years ago when I was a child that she knew I was going to write books and she was going to be the first one in line to get a signed copy. I have clung to that all my life, even in the throes of procrastination or fear of failure that have prevented me from making this a reality. But I feel sure it WILL become a reality, and maybe this will be THE year. But in any case, I want to write every day. Whether I work on a novel, write in this blog as I am doing right now, jot a poem or song lyric in a notebook or other scrap paper. Just something creative to get me closer to my lifelong goal of being published and making Mrs. Arvon’s predictions come true.
4. I will get rid of at least SOME clutter. This is broad and serious for me because as much as I want everything in my life to look good, from my house to my body, for some reason I have always had a problem with being messy or sloppy in my personal life. (Ironically, in my professional life I have tended to be pretty organized in OCD-like proportions, from archiving and labeling tapes when I worked in news editing, to bills facing the same way when I worked in banking, to leaving notes on top of organized piles of work in teaching.) Anyway, we just have so much stuff in our house, and I would like to pare it down because I have always admired people’s homes that look “put together.” I don’t really need a white-glove-tested castle because I feel comfortable in homes that are obviously lived in, but I want a certain neat ambiance in every room of our house, to where if someone drops by, I don’t have to worry about them thinking of the show Hoarders paying us a visit. Ok, it’s not THAT bad but we do need to clear out some clutter and make an effort not to hold on to things that have no place taking up space in our home (like junk mail, which I used to stockpile on the dining room table when I lived in Virginia for months before I would go through it and toss the crap out. WHYYYY?? That junk shouldn’t have merited a place anywhere but the garbage or recycling bin.) My body is cluttered up too, with more fat than I’ve ever had on me. Why do I do this to myself year after year? Whenever I make a resolution to exercise every day or lose at least X number of pounds, it seems I end the year being heavier than I have ever been. Self sabotage maybe? I don’t want to put a lot of pressure on myself to where if I don’t do something one day I feel like I’ve failed and might as well just throw in the towel altogether (which has happened to me before when the pressure was off once the resolution was broken). I stay so busy all the time that unless I start making myself get up at 4 a.m. every day to work out before work, it might not happen every single day. And if I’m being honest, I’m just not ready to commit to getting up at 4 yet. Maybe someday I will. But I do want to at least take those proverbial baby steps again toward making healthier choices to declutter my body (and mind and soul and house). I think I will breathe easier all around, literally.
5. The most important one: I will strive to be a better person. This one sounds a lot like what many people resolve to do, but I do think it is an important goal for everyone. There are many ways we can improve our lives. I try to be the best mother I can be, but like all Moms, there are moments when I feel like an complete ogre, moments when I feel pushed over the limit of my patience, moments when I feel sorry for myself and my kids that we don’t have a father figure (for them) to help us all out. But I am determined to be everything my kids need in a parent. They are healthy and happy and they know they are loved, and that is so important to me. With God’s help, I want to be able to provide everything they need and many things they want. I am trying my best to raise them right, raise them to know and love God and to be kind and considerate of others. Raise them to cherish reading and education. I want to make an effort not to freak out over things when I feel stressed, not to let my fuse be short. I want to be a better Christian, which I think I sometimes take for granted since I’ve been a Christian for most of my life. I tell people sometimes that being a Christian doesn’t mean you are perfect. I am so glad for forgiveness because I have failed many times. But I want to strive to get closer to God than I have ever been, to read my Bible at least on most days, and to teach my kids Bible lessons the way my Mom taught me. I want us all to hunger for God. I want to be a better person to other people as well, to be able to show kindness and compassion to all around me, to pay it forward by helping however and whenever I can, without expecting something in return.
Now, today I have succeeded in keeping some of my resolutions already (writing an email and writing a blog), I am going to keep the one about being a good mother by playing Lincoln Logs with my son. I earnestly pray that God showers this year with blessings, so much that we cannot contain them.
Happy New Year!
Chrissy Herrell's Bloggapalooza 